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Can I Recover From Infidelity in a Relationship?

Durvasula said cheating is “not the norm, but not uncommon,” with some estimates as high as 35 to 40 percent among those in long term but non-marital relationships and perhaps closer to 15 to 20 percent among marital relationships.

However, the psychologist noted this research is limited because it may not account for the full range of infidelity, including emotional infidelity, online infidelity, as well as “what sexual or intimate behavior qualifies” as infidelity.

Durvasula also said: “In addition, the research is often heteronormative, and doesn’t capture this experience in LGBTQ+ relationships. Numbers vary vastly cross-culturally often as a function of cultural prohibitions and even punishments in different parts of the world and across religions and cultures,” she explained.

• A study found around 41 percent of men admit they have thought about cheating on their partners, while 39 percent claim they hadn’t ever thought about it. Just over half of women (54 percent) say that they’ve never thought about cheating on their partner, while 28 percent say that they have.
• While both men and women “largely agree” that having sex counts as cheating, women are more likely than men to view other things as infidelity.
• Around 74 percent of women consider “sexting” or “forming an emotional, non-sexual relationship with another person to be cheating, while 59 percent of men also agree.
• While 56 percent of women say you’re a cheater if you form an emotional relationship with another person, only 38 percent of men also consider this to be cheating.

How the cheater responds

Some of the recovery has to do with “the empathy and contrition of the cheater,” Durvasula noted. Are they taking responsibility? Are they able to see the hurt they caused? Are they owning up to it and also committing to addressing it?

“If the cheater has a narcissistic or other antagonistic personality fru Tjeckiska style, recovery is also far less likely because these are manipulative, dismissive and invalidating relationships even when the cheating is not happening,” the psychologist said.

The length and nature of the infidelity

The recovery will be impacted how long the infidelity lasted, the emotional vs. sexual nature of the infidelity and whether the person repeats the betrayal, according to Durvasula.

“It also relates to a person’s history of being cheated on or even childhood experiences,” she added, such witnessing a parent who was unfaithful to the other parent.

The ultimate fate of the relationship

If it does end, then the recovery will focus on “grief work, healing from the breakup and all the issues of that and doing the healing from the betrayal – therapy is often essential,” Durvasula explained.

Kilmer noted that if one chooses to leave the relationship, “therapy can also be helpful if there is a pattern in choosing partners that are unfaithful/distant or if they played a role in creating distance in the relationship.”

• Seeking social support.
• Self-care.
• “Switching life up,” such as by traveling, trying something new, taking on new hobbies or activities.
• Doing the things you couldn’t do while you were in the relationship.

“Time is your friend,” as the pain of the betrayal and all that comes with it “will dissipate over time,” Durvasula noted. “But that said, there is no hard and fast time frame, and having to let go of both the relationship and manage the betrayal can be very difficult.”

A commitment to make the relationship work

Deciding you will attempt to work on the relationship and heal comes with another set of challenges, Durvasula warned. It may mean both individual therapy and couples therapy.